Dear GTN,
My aunt, who is deeply religious, has two prosthetic legs. My cousins have taken her to faith healers many times, yet………the “healers” are unable to grow her new legs.
My aunt is a devout Christian who believes firmly in the power of prayer. So what gives??
Is God sleeping on the job? Or drunk?? Or just lazy?
Or is he too busy with entertainment awards and football games?
Gimp Symp
Dear Gimpy,
Faith healers in my experience are nothing but money grubbing charlatans. When it comes to true spirituality, I have not found one who has a leg to stand on.
If you want to get the big G’s attention and send him a neon sign of faith and devotion then you need to go hard core.
Maybe God will listen harder to your extended familys prayers if they try Catholic Opus Dei modification. Nothing says religious devotion like sleeping on wooden floors, cold showers, flailing ones self with a discipline rope and sporting a cilice. Your aunt could even adorn her cilice with beads and wear a mini skirt to show off her love of the lord.
If your aunt finds these practices too taxing you might suggest the Church of God with Signs Following’s practice of snake handling. God is sure to be impressed watching your cousins dump boxes of rattlesnakes into your aunts wheel chair as she does donuts and wheelies brought on by the Holy Ghost.
Or maybe your family would like to add a bit more spice to their devotion. Grab a chicken and a Saint and get your juju on with some Santeria.
Hell, (no pun intended) try getting your aunt to dance in her chair with a rattlesnake in one hand and a dead chicken in the other while shaking her bedangled cilice to Gregorian Chants.
If none of that works…Tell her the Jews were right.
Send YOUR questions to: thegotonegro@yahoo.com
Leave a comment… I dare ya!
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