I have no patience. I never did. This is one of the reasons I never wanted to have children. My mom would tell me that patience would come when I had a child. Humpf! No way!
I am an animal of routine. I like things the way they are and not changed. I want my things to stay mine and not share. All things that do not mesh with having a child.
I grew up one of six kids. I thought I knew what it was like to have a child. I wasn’t prepared for how shocking it was to have Spunk. I wasn’t prepared for all the therapy she provides to me. From the moment she was born she has been a mirror of my character, my actions.. my motives. All that I am was presented to me in a small 7 pound nutshell.
With each revelation she gives me I given two options: First, I could ignore it and continue the way I am or Second, I can see myself and change. I am choosing change. The deepest desire I have now is to parent her. Not just to be along for the ride but to be part of her ride. I want to become the best that I can be so that I can give her a mom that knows how to love her.
My first lesson was that I couldn’t make her fit into my world, I had to fit into hers. I changed my schedule to fit hers. I stopped when she needed me to. I helped to ease Spunk into my crazy world instead of forcing her into it. I learned that I needed to relax and let her show me the way. I didn’t know how to be a mom but she would teach me. I quickly learned to give up the idea that I should know anything! We would be in this together! Spunk breastfed a lot! I learned to take that time to enjoy her and our time together. Now that she is 3, I truly miss our nursing time. I miss nursing! My point is that she made me stop. She made me sit.
Spunk is incredibly independent. She has been since she was born. She walked at 10 months, she weaned herself soon after. It is incredibly hard to nurse when you are on the run! She literally would try to get out of my lap and walk with my breast in her mouth. At 18 months she looked at me and said “no more diapers!” and she was done with them. She was potty trained without me even knowing it. Of course she had accidents but she was done! This little powerful thing. She is teaching me to do the same in my life. I am watching my 3 year old and learning how to be. I am learning how to be proud of who Iam. I am learning to not care what others think of me. This is a huge issue for me! Spunk is 100% in life. She is passionate and powerful. Why am I so scared to be? I am learning from her to become independent as she is!
Spunk imitates eveything I say and do. I learn pretty quickly what word I use often or what hand gesture I used. I hear the tone of voice I use. I see her kiss her little friends the way she sees me and her daddy kiss. (that one we had to put a stop to..) I went from being a person that swore quite often to hardly at all. Hearing your 3 year old utter the dirty word riddled sentence I uttered in frustration is an amazing way to stop! I have learned that I say hilarious a lot. I also say that things are my favorites, so now everything is her favorite too. I apparently say to her “Never do that again!” because she now yells that back at me.
One of the big things that I have learned from her is how to be a calm, assertive leader. (just like Cesar Milan says!) Spunk fuels off of my mood. If I am hysterical and yelling.. she becomes hysterical. And then in turn, she is hysterical whenever anything bad happens. This isn’t what I wanted to teach! I am working really hard at staying quiet and just dealing with what is at hand. I have learned from being her mom that most of the time that I yell is because I am mad at myself and not her. So why do I project that on her?
Spunk is teaching me to let go. I am learning to release my day. I can make a plan but most likely it will be different. Ohh the me before Spunk would never like that! I am learning that I might want to work out but might not. I might want to catch a tv show but might not. I might want to talk to a friend but might not. The gift of Spunk in my life has taught me that life is fluid. I have to learn to give thanks moment by moment. I am learning to appreciate everything little and the fact that I am still alive at the end of the day.
Spunk has been teaching me to love. She has transformed my soul. This little being loves me no matter what. I yell at her and she loves me. I put her in time out and she still wants me to hug her. She curls into me at nap time no matter how the morning went. She randomly gives hugs and kisses. “I love you so much momma”. My heart had no option but to open. The effect has meant that I am learning to love everyone in my life so much more. I am learning to forgive the past and love in the moment as she does for me.
I spent 12 years swearing I would never have children… then God sent me Spunk. He said to me, “Child, I am sending you the greatest gift I can. Love her as I love you. Love her and I will bless you.”
Thank you.
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